Who’s Orbiting Who?

No other success can compensate for failure in the home.”

J. E. McCulloch

After discovering I work with distressed couples, people sometimes ask me what I consider the leading cause of marital breakdown. Great question.

I’m sure every counsellor or therapist has an opinion on this.  Get ten of us in a room, and you’ll probably hear a dozen opinions. 

My readers know I’ve “beaten a dead horse” on the importance of emotional connection.  (see “Sustainable Marriage”, “You Make Me Feel Like Dancing”, “Round and Round the Barn”, “A Worthwhile Climb”)  Emotionally-connected couples just seem to find a route through rough spots while maintaining higher levels of dedication commitment.  Emotionally disconnected couples don’t fare so well.

So, what else is high up on the danger list? Knowing the common pitfalls can sometimes be helpful.

After eliminating a growing trend of passive husbands who fail to lead their wives and families (see “Up the Down Escalator”), I think a widespread (but seldom talked-about) threat to marriage is child-centred homes.

Child-centred homes are families where either mum or dad (or both) by their ongoing actions prioritise parenting over the marriage in the day-to-day stuff of life, sometimes even through the teen and college years. They give the best of their creative energy to the kids, at the expense of the marriage. Successful families overweight marriage, and parent as effective, authoritative teams.

Our marriage will always be there, right?

Don’t be so sure. We assume our marriages are resilient, and that it’s our children who need more and more of whatever we have to give.  The hard reality is that children are resilient, but our marriages need intentionally-focussed and sensitive nourishment and can never be taken for granted.

Once upon a time, the typical family was an adult-centred institution. The marriage was the nucleus  … children were satellites that revolved around the nucleus like planets to a sun.  As they grew, their orbits expanded, carrying them away from their parents, and eventually into lives of their own.”

John Rosemond, from “A Family of Value”

God’s design for families has a clear hierarchy of relationships.  God is a God of order, never chaos.  Even though children are amazingly cute (being related to us), they are not at the top.  Paul articulates this well in Ephesians chapters five and six when he addresses husbands and wives first, parents second, and household help last.

When we mess with this order, making our children the centre of the universe, the marriage will slowly suffer, the children will miss out on seeing a winning blueprint for marital success, and I predict, the home will eventually collapse.  That’s chaos.

When the marriage is in trouble, the children are in trouble.”

Ray Pendleton, Ph.D.

I need to clarify that prioritising marriage doesn’t mean neglecting effective fathering and mothering.  It’s not one or the other.  It’s recognising that a family built upon a vibrant marriage is more stable and secure, providing better soil for growing a crop of healthy kids.

I’m not sure over-the-top parents even think about that dynamic — that the best proven parenting technique available anywhere is building and maintaining a strong marital bond.

Unfortunately, child-centered homes are not “red flags” to many people today.  Parental over-involvement is almost an expected way of doing family.  Kids are so cute, vulnerable, and needy, especially when they are young, and parents (fathers and mothers) are rightfully the ones responsible for protecting, nurturing, educating and pruning.  So, we throw ourselves fully into the role, and life goes on.

Yet, when we give the best of our creative energy to the kids day in and day out, both the children AND the marriage will end up suffering.  A strong and healthy marriage will keep a home together through any storm, but a primary focus on the children at the expense of a marriage is a house of cards.  That’s likely the bottom line here.

A healthier and more successful formula might be:  “Our sons and daughters are hugely precious to us, but they are not the centre of our lives.”

Marks of a Child-Centred Home …

• Flurry of activity surrounding the kids, contrasted with a simmering neglect of the deeper issues of the marriage.
• The household tends to revolve around the children and their many activities.
• Husband or wife (or both) have a closer emotional connection with one or more of the children than with each other.
• A tendency to give children what they want, rather than what they (and the marriage) need.
• Most marital conflicts are about parenting issues and tend to escalate to a point where husband and wife turn away from each other.

Melissa and I spent years speaking at marriage retreats.  When promoting events, folks would often tell us that they regretfully couldn’t attend the weekend due to scheduled kids’ activities.  Others would say that they didn’t really need it, to which I would respond, “Well you’re in luck, because our marriage retreats are specially designed for couples who don’t need it!”

My favourite family therapy pioneer, Sal Minuchin, the founder of Structural Family Therapy, refers to marriage as the “Executive Subset” or “Spousal Subsystem”.  In his words …

One of the spousal subsystem’s most vital tasks is the development of boundaries that protect the husband and wife, giving them an area for the satisfaction of their own psychological needs without the intrusion of children … The adequacy of these boundaries is one of the most important aspects to the viability of the family structure.”

Salvador Minuchin, from Family Therapy Techniques

Parting Thoughts

If you’re thinking you might like to make some needed adjustments, below are a few tips for building more of a marriage-centred home. If even one family is strengthened from reading this article, then I will feel more at peace for having shared these thoughts.

1. Awareness is always the first step in making changes.  Who’s orbiting who in your household? Ask your husband or wife’s opinion.
2. Commit to giving more time and attention to your marriage, not necessarily less to your children.
3. Establish age-appropriate bedtimes for the kids, erring earlier rather than later, so children aren’t intruding into sacred husband-wife time.  Don’t feel guilty.  This is a healthy boundary.
4. Commit to regular dates outside of the home, leaving the children with competent babysitters.  Husbands, you should probably take responsibility for this.
5. Commit to attending a marriage retreat once per year.  Line up child care long in advance, and have a back-up plan.  Marriage retreats are relationally invigorating and take your marriage up a notch each time.  Another great opportunity for husbands to take leadership on making sure the retreat happens.
6. Say “no” to one more children’s activity if it is stressing the family and spreading everyone too thinly.  This is a healthy boundary that dissipates chaos.  The kids will be fine.
7. Find ways to show your children how much you (husband and wife) cherish each other.  Show affection in front of them, and resolve conflict healthily in front of them.
8. Every six months or so, scoot off to a romantic getaway — even just a weekend away to focus on each other, but without the children.

And, don’t just take my word for it …

“The greatest gift you can give your children is a sacred commitment to your spouse.  You must keep your marriage a priority.  Your kids need your devotion to each other more than they need your devotion to them.

Dennis Rainey, founder and former Executive Director of Family Life

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Blessings on your home,
robert

Disclaimer: This article does not in any way apply to men and women struggling with the overwhelming challenges of single parenthood, nor does it apply to singles who have chosen to live together, nor to same sex couples in a counterfeit marriage.