An Attraction Like No Other

(Something ‘bout a woman)

I am Leutenant Günter Weber, with the Grenadiers at Lixouri. I saw your party, and I thought that I would come and introduce myself.

Ah, said Carlo, winking, you wanted to come and look at the women.

It is no such thing, lied Weber stiffly. Naturally one has seen such things before.

I am Antonio Corelli, said the captain, and naturally, one cannot see enough of such things if one is a man.”

~ from Corelli’s Mandolin, a novel by Louis De Bernieres, Vintage Books, 1994.

I apologise in advance for stating a ridiculously obvious truth: The healthy female form is irresistible to an emotionally healthy male. Industries, advertising, mob vices and political empires have risen and fallen upon this powerful dynamic. Tits and ass have never lost their impact.

Healthy men not only find women pleasingly attractive, but are often visually triggered by the opposite sex, depending on their psycho-social backgrounds. Some of us learn how to manage it, which is good — but still we remain vulnerable because it’s an attraction like no other.

“A man’s brain is a sexual mosaic influenced by hormone levels in the womb and in puberty and moulded by his psychological experience. Male brains are very different in the way they detect stimuli, process information and respond to emotions. This is important because men detect sexual cues rapidly when it comes to nakedness or sex-related stimuli … As men fall deeper into the mental habit of fixating on these images, exposure to them creates neural pathways.”

~ from Wired for Intimacy by William M. Struthers; Intervarsity Press, 2009

Over the years as a counsellor, I’ve had the privilege of coming alongside a number of young men wanting to break free from the grip of pornography, or to heal from the shattered trust of adultery. Attractions that went too far. Some guys met with me of their own volition. Others who were “caught” by their wives or fiancées had little choice but to meet. Either motivation is fine as long as the man commits to the healing process.

While overcoming a sexual addiction is a formidable challenge for a man of any age, it needs to be managed or it will take over, and when it takes over, it ruins lives and ministries and marriages and careers. No man is totally immune.

Being married to a woman of character who takes my breath away, I’ve struggled with lust to a certain extent almost every day of my adult life. Part of my psycho-social background was growing up in the sexual revolution of the ’60’s, where James Bond, Hugh Hefner, Alfred Kinsey, and Masters and Johnson had more formative influence on a young man’s thoughts and behaviour than, say, Mother Theresa. Still, through the years, I’ve learned to manage it.

God, what were you thinking?

Forget the “Big Bang”. This intensely-stimulating, biochemically-reactive dynamic between the two genders isn’t an accidental explosion of human development, but rather a deliberate, pre-installed, gender-specific aspect of God’s design, dating back millennia, rooted and beautifully described in the Hebrew Scriptures.

In Genesis 2:23, when the woman is first presented to the man, what does he do?

“The man said, “This at last is bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman’, for she was taken out of man.”

My paraphrase: In ecstasy, Adam blurts, “She’s made from the same stuff as me!!! THIS is what I’ve been waiting for!!! And, oh my gosh she looks good!”

Verse 23 is evidence of two historical firsts: the first recorded human words (provoked by the sight of a woman), and secondly, the first expression of poetry. (Hebrew poetry is easy to miss in English) Both firsts, inspired simply by the sight of God’s crowning achievement — the woman. Over time, it would prove itself to be an attraction like no other.

But, like so many other things, what God created for good, mankind finds ways of messing up.

So, what does managing a sexual addiction look like?

Here are some things to consider, and maybe a few upon which to act …

Acting out sexual addictions dishonours the image of God in women, corrupts the goodness of sex within the covenant of marriage, destroys marriages (and therefore families), and leads to cultural rot and spiritual death.

Genesis teaches us that God created the woman to be insanely attractive to the man. Man’s job is to manage that because God created it for good, reaching its fulfilment within marriage for His glory.

Here is some encouragement …

“No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.”

~ 1 Corinthians 10:13

If you are tempted by an image or by the sight of a woman, immediately move your eyes (and attention) away. That is your responsibility. Think of it as a well-timed exit ramp.

I see the girls walk by,
dressed in their summer clothes.
I have to turn my head
until my darkness goes”.

~ Rolling Stones, Paint it Black, from Hot Rocks, 1971

If you are the wife or fiancée of a guy with a sexual addiction, please know that you are neither the cause nor the solution to his challenge. Be patient if you can, but by all means, be lovingly assertive with healthy boundaries, making sure your man gets the help and support he needs. You’ll need support too. This is one of those “in sickness and in health” things.

A guy secretly addicted to porn has to admit his addiction. He has to make his need known to someone who can help — preferably an older man who has achieved some sense of freedom himself, and who will help with accountability, and sometimes see through his rationalising lies.

If this is your struggle, take responsibility for your behaviour. If you continue to give in to your temptations, in the words of one speaker, “You’ll end up separated from your wife and children, living in some lousy apartment.”

A man’s struggle with porn is complex warfare on three levels: the world (cultural), the flesh (biochemical and neurological) and the devil (spiritual). The good news is that it’s a winnable war, not a man’s destiny.

Regardless of whether you’re a believer or unbeliever, you were created to know God, and to find life and fulfilment in relationship with Him, while pursuing and engaged in healthy, meaningful human relationships, marked by healthy boundaries.

I’d love to hear from my readers, both men and women, on this topic. Please comment below, or contact me privately through my contact page.

If this is something you or a loved one is struggling with, please reach out to me. I have resources and recommendations for you.

Now, as I’ve said here before … Gotta go chase my wife!

Thanks for visiting. Blessings on your home,
robert