Marriage Morsels II (from the Counseling Office)

After twenty-plus years of working with distressed married couples, I thought I’d try to distill some key issues I have encountered. This is part II of that series.

For the sake of brevity and clarity, I’ve gathered my comments into myths and truths. Here are the next three …

iv) Myth: With a 50% divorce rate, we probably won’t make it.

The good news: By doing just a few unnatural things, you probably will.

Meet your husband’s or wife’s needs rather than focussing on your own. Give what you want to get. Don’t give up. Don’t keep score. Our universal brokenness shows up in self-centered, self-absorbed and selfish ways. God so loved that He gave.

Prioritise your marriage over every other human endeavour. Make trade-offs in favour of your marriage protecting it from intrusions from work, technology and sometimes even your own precious children. Put kids to bed earlier rather than later. Children are amazingly resilient. Marriages aren’t. Overweighting parenting will not keep a home together, but a well-nourished marriage will. Commit to having a marriage-centred home.

When you need marital guidance, where do you turn? Our culture really doesn’t have a clue on what a successful (let alone a legitimate) marriage even looks like. Think about seeking out and cultivating relationships with older mentor couples who have worked through the difficult stuff-of-life. Secondly, grab onto and integrate what God’s Word has to say about marriage and family. Even if, as an unbeliever, you don’t go deeper than that, biblical precepts are the best foundation for the home.

Truth: Doing what doesn’t come naturally to us can be good for relationships.

Bottom Line: Marriage works the way it was designed.

v) Myth: Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Among counseling couples, improving the way husbands and wives talk to each other is pretty much a universally expressed need. At our house, Melissa is always saying to me, “It’s not what you say, Robert, it’s how you say it.” Okay, okay.

With these things in mind, I developed a simple agreement entitled, “Our Commitment to Communicate In Love”, for couples to sign and frame (and do their best to apply at home). Here are the main points (without the contract-style formatting). I hope this is helpful to some of you.

I promise to …

Talk to you (and not to someone else about you), when there is something you and I need to work through.

Not hurt you with my words by insulting, threatening, criticising, using sarcasm, ridiculing, blaming or complaining. I will find a more loving way of expressing what I need to say to you.

Never threaten you with divorce, compare you with someone else, or express regret that I married you.

Never ignore you.

Defer bringing up potentially divisive or sensitive issues during mealtimes, while driving to or from worship, within earshot of your children, or when close to bedtime.

Be emotionally present and available to you when you need me to be.

Take the risk of expressing my feelings to you openly, honestly and lovingly, when you are in a position to listen to me.

Receive your feelings with gentleness and interest, without invalidating them, correcting them, or becoming defensive. Your feelings are yours, and I just need to affirm and receive them.

Regularly appreciate and encourage you.

Truth: “A gentle tongue is a tree of life.” (Proverbs 15:4a). “Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body.” (Proverbs 16:24)

Bottom Line: Words can hurt or heal. Choose yours carefully and express them with gentleness and sensitivity.

vi) Myth: Marriage is just a piece of paper.

Historically, marriage predates city hall; it predates the Church; it predates Sinai; and it predates Western civilisation. So, by inception it’s not a Christian or Jewish redemptive institution, but neither is it rooted in a secular civil ceremony. It’s a Creation ordinance (between a man and a woman), designed by Elohim and intended for all of mankind.

So, there’s probably more to it than simply a piece of paper.

We’ve long known that when a marriage collapses, it has a way of negatively impacting neighbourhoods, communities, future generations and the common good.¹ Yet, solid, God-honouring unions are known to have the opposite effect. It’s not easy for me to articulate, but I can usually tell in the counseling office those men and women who are from intact, healthy homes. There’s just a wholeness there that’s not easy to describe.

Dennis Rainey called marriage God’s smallest battle formation. When we get it right behind closed doors at our own houses first, blessing overflows into the world around us.

Once you come to grips with the significance of your own marriage, doesn’t it infuse a greater sense of responsibility for your role in it?

Truth: Marriage is holy ground.

Bottom Line: Think about adopting a higher view of marriage, and letting that perspective guide how you live.

Blessings on your home,
robert