After twenty-plus years of working with distressed married couples, I thought I’d try to distill some key elements I’ve encountered during sessions of which I’ve been privileged to be part. This is the first part of a three part series.
i) Myth: Marriage is just about the two of us.
When I meet with a couple, engaged or married, I do a three generation genogram in the first session. I use multi-coloured markers to draw on a large flip chart, so it’s highly-visible and remains the focal point of our discussion. Once I draw the genders, names, relationships and dates, I add divorces, remarriages, drug addictions, abortions, suicides, sexual addictions, abuses, abusers, quality of relationship symbols and any known major health issues. And then the three of us just stand back and stare at the sheet of paper. For a discombobulated couple, it’s a powerful, eye-opening experience, especially to the extent that it reflects their current relationship and circumstances.
Divorce and alcoholism and other developmental issues tend to flow down the chart, infecting each generation, until someone says, “No! We’re not doing this anymore”, beginning the process of needed change in attitudes and behaviours.
Truth: We tend to do marriage as marriage has been modelled to us, until we commit to take responsibility for carving a healthier, new route for our homes. Rewriting our script means grasping the best from our ancestors, and rejecting the rest. Oh, and by-the-way, your kids are watching and taking notes.
Bottom Line: Our marriages reflect multi-generational elements, both positive and negative. It’s not just about the two of us.
ii) Myth: Conflict in marriage infers incompatibility.
This myth is widespread and prevalent in about 80% of marriages. Of the couples I’ve worked with, a surprising number of husbands or wives are conflict-adverse, which makes it difficult for the other to engage emotionally on matters of importance to the relationship. Even an enthusiastic discussion sends many sensitive spouses running for the exits. It doesn’t have to be this way.
Marriage was designed around the whole concept of complementarity and difference, not sameness and cultural compatibility. Let that sink in. People who are like each other aren’t attracted to each other. Opposites do attract. My wife and I are dramatically opposite in almost every category, yet we have a strong and growing relationship because we share the same values and enjoy doing many of the same things.
Many of my clients look at me like I’m crazy when I recommend they go home and celebrate conflict when it happens It means you are engaging, not avoiding. That doesn’t mean you need to hurt each other or win. (If one wins and one loses, the marriage loses.) Celebrating conflict means you are engaging, so your goal is to understand, not to win.
If you are sensitive to conflict, muster some courage and try to stay present and engaged. If you are the husband or wife of someone who is conflict-adverse, then bring the emotional level down a few notches and find gentler ways of expressing what needs to be expressed.
Truth: Conflict in marriage is natural, inferring interaction between two unique and sinful human beings. Working through rough spots is far more valuable than working around them.
Bottom Line: What our culture views as incompatibility is one of the keys to a great marriage.
iii) Myth: Engaged couples are right to put most of their planning energy into wedding and honeymoon.
When you search photo sites for marriage, you get scenes from weddings. What does a photo of a great marriage look like?
On the timeline of life, a wedding is a punctiliar event. It’s a gateway. A marriage is ongoing and for decades unto death.
In the counseling office, I always ask my distressed couples about the level of their experience with marriage preparation — how much comprehensive pre-marital counseling did they have before tying the knot? Of my distressed couples, 100% said none to very little. What does that say? It may not be the cause, but it’s a huge correlation. Can you over-prepare for your most important human relationship? I don’t think so. That’s why I do so many sessions and try to hit so many issues. Can you under-prepare for marriage? I’ll let some of my distressed couples answer that question. I like to joke, “You can pay me now, or pay me later.”
Believers or not, I beg couples to get rigorous marriage preparation. It’s a no risk investment in the future. Your wedding can be a public covenantal ceremony, or it can be just a really good party. In both cases, your nation, your community, your neighbourhood and your offspring are counting on your marriage contributing to the common good and inspiring future generations.
Truth: Couples who invest in comprehensive pre-marital counseling have more successful marriages.
Bottom Line: Prioritise your marriage over your wedding. While you’re at it, prioritise your marriage over everything.
Parts II and III to follow.
Blessings on your home,
robert
Disclaimer: This article does not in any way apply to same sex couples in a counterfeit marriage.
Peace in the Home 
Loved your article!
It resonated with me since my husband (as well as certain-of-our sons might be what you call ‘conflict-adverse’). Anyway, some advice my conflict-adverse husband –which presented as immediate defensiveness– was that I should approach him FIRST with a question. So instead of hitting him with words that triggered defensiveness, I learned to approach him with something like, “Hey, I need your help. There’s an issue that’s troubling me, but I don’t know how to talk to you about it. Can you help me?” …With THAT approach, he would immediately put on his ‘fix-it hat’ and more objectively invite me to talk to him about it.
This is going to be a great and helpful series of articles …because opposites DO attract!
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Oh my gosh, thank you! So few people comment on these things, yet I feel the subject matter is so important.
I love what you mentioned about you and Jeff. There’s a more sensitive one in most marriages, yet for those who knew you as a couple, you would be the only one who would ever know it was him. He was so kind and fun-loving and warm. Your well-thought-out approaches to make things safer were awesome. You are a wise woman. Thanks for taking time to share some feedback. Coming from you it means a lot.
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